I did and it doesn't help, I just deal with it now. It's getting really really annoying having all the ambition in the world one moment, then not feeling a thing the next moment.
I do need someone to talk to, but I've given up on people. I'm too scared and fragile to even try at this point. Burnt out. Need to move to the country side.
Honestly I think it's because I know so much about the world and have been so many places I have nothing "grand" to look forward to.
My grandmothers LIFE goal was to dip her toes in the ocean. What's mine? I've seen images of Earth from space, I've read thousands of stories of corruption, I see poverty, I've made loads of money, I've read hundreds of enlightening books. We've set the bar so high to please ourselves it's impossible to go any further unless you go into hard drugs, a universe of its own.
That couples with my massive ego and narcissism is a terrible combination, so I'm just praying I have an excuse to die soon because I won't do it myself.
I know from experience you are not likely to read this and even less likely to act on whatever it is that I could possibly say. But I'll try, anyway.
Your number one goal right now should be to get professional help. If you have made loads of money and still have savings, medical care shouldn't be impossible to get, so do it.
From my own experience (I probably have something minor that's been undiagnosed for more than a decade now), it is almost impossible to do anything at all when you are in that state. Or, in my case, to do anything other than the absolute necessities (I am still able to work, barely).
In your case, your symptoms seem to be worse than mine by several orders of magnitude (I don't want to set the world on fire). If that's so, then professionals will be able to recognize them and help you.
And it really does help. You may or may not require medication. If you do, you may have to take them for a time, or may never get rid of them. In any case, they need a while to work (on the order of weeks) so, if prescribed, follow the treatment as is and don't stop.
If you have someone close to you who can help (family? friends?) then get them to help, no matter what. I know that sometimes minor things such as calling doctors and setting up appointments require more energy than what's available, so get someone else to do it for you - and drag you to the doctor's office if need be.
Once you get better and your thoughts clearer, then reevaluate your goals.
Oh, and try to reduce your news consumption. I find that they resonate too much with my brain when I am not feeling well.
I would be a basket case if I hadn't had received tons of professional help regarding problems similar to the ones you describe. So this isn't by a long shot something I'm unfamilliar with. Taking nothing but what you've written here, it sounds like you might be bipolar among other things. This is treatable. Unless you've been putting in a serious effort at therapy and trying out different medications for 5+ years (usually things will resolve way before this, I'm just referring to people I have met in therapy), there is really no reason to just lie down and die.
Please take yourself seriously and establish a professional relationship to someone to resolve these things. It doesn't have to be like this.
Hey man, I feel you, felt like this for a long time too. I've been speaking about it recently amongst other developers. Finding out there are a lot of other people like us. Here's the talk. Ping me if you want to chat more.
