I believe I have some insight as someone who only recently made a breakthrough with lifelong on-and-off depression, and as someone who has had tons of therapeutic conversation (paid and otherwise).
Once I finally realized that depression was something happening to me, literally an illness, and that it wasn't an intrinsic part of my personality, I sought medication. That medication had a near-immediate effect of making me feel ok. I wasn't depressed, I was able to just get through a day without thinknig too much about it. But it didn't work perfectly, and I found I could still slip into depression a couple times a year.
More recently I got on a new medication that seems to actually work. It's not giving me a fake happiness and it's not taking away any of my very real concerns about how "good" life is. I am not optimistic about my state, my country, the future of humanity, or very much in general. But I am not depressed. I find it easy to enjoy things that I love in life. I can take real pleasure in disconnecting from work and foraging blackberries in the woods. It is pointless to do so (I have plenty of food), but it doesn't feel pointless. It feels fun and interesting.
To me that's the biggest difference with depression. I can be extremely sad, and I often am. I can even believe that the world would be better off without me (I go back and forth), but I still feel satisfied to be alive. Even on my bad days, I can take small pleasures.
I do think that staying depressed is "wrong" insofar as I would say it is "right" to seek comfort, pleasure, and health. I also think that it's fair to say these signals are moving in the "wrong" direction with respect to the direction that they move in non-depressed people. If the goal is not to be depressed, and something is causing depression, it's a "wrong" action.
But I don't want this to sound like I'm chastising you. I get it. I am still a pretty pessimistic person and everything you're saying is logical. The difference is, I can think about and believe those things without it changing how I feel on a fundamental level. It is extremely hard to see that without getting treatment. And I also understand that it sucks to be told you're "wrong" or there's something "wrong" with you for being depressed, because it's happened to me plenty. So I understand your qualms with the language. Again, though - you don't have to feel bad. You can think the world sucks (my state government wants me and my community eradicated) and still feel good.
what medication did you use? I am on the waiting list for controlled shrooms. Also you are not alone. Depression runs in my family (mother side) it is a rollercoaster. I have found drone flying FPV to be relaxing. But yeah, hang in there. The world is a better place with you, do not give up.
Wish I lived in a state that would let me use psilocybin! I first tried bupropion, and now I take a smaller dose of that + fluoxetine. I suspect the bupropion is superfluous at this point but I'm making slow, controlled changes.
For the record I'm fine with people telling me I'm wrong, I don't feel invalided or anything, it's simply that I don't agree with the perspective.
From what you said I think we probably have slightly different manifestations of depression. Mine doesn't seem to be as absolute as it sounds like yours was. I was happy when I was a kid, it was only when I reached adulthood and started to disliked the way my life was playing out that I became depressed. This compounded with knowledge that life is just a pointless struggle basically makes me depressed constantly as I see no hope in it ever getting meaningfully better.
If I could live my ideal life – one where I wouldn't have to socialise with people and wouldn't have to work for a living (I'm autistic) – I'm fairly sure I'd be fine with my pointless existence (although maybe incorrectly). I probably wouldn't be irrationally happy or anything, but I'm sure I'd feel mostly neutral between situational moments of happiness and sadness.
But as it stands it's just all struggle for me because I dislike my life and cannot fix the problems I have. So while I could medicate myself to make my life more bearable I know I find it hard to find a balance when I take that path. Whenever I've decided to "fix" feeling depressed I've always ended up in a hedonistic spiral seeking my own selfish near-term happiness at the expense of everyone I love.
The best answer I've ever settled on is to simply embrace the sadness. So while I may not be able to be happy myself, I can still make others happy. And I think in this way my depression may even serve a noble goal because I've given up on my own happiness so entirely that maximising other people's happiness is the only thing that matters to me anymore.
But getting back on topic, I think in my case you could probably argue my personality is "wrong" – an optimal me probably wouldn't be autistic, and I probably wouldn't dislike socialising or being forced to work as much as I do. But my depression in my opinion is "right" since it's just accurately describing how I intellectually view the struggles of my day to day life.
I wouldn't deny that I could medicate the pain away, but I'm not sure that makes it "right" either – even if it doesn't feel fake.
But if you're just saying I should give medication a go because it might make me feel better, then I appreciate you sharing your experience. I definitely found it interesting that you described your medication as not giving you a fake sense of happiness. For what it's worth I used to abuse alcohol and while I was drunk that's exactly how I remember feeling and why I drank. Perhaps the right medication would be sustainable though... It's a place I'm a bit scared to even explore again to be honest. Prioritising happiness has never served me well.
> If I could live my ideal life – one where I wouldn't have to socialise with people and wouldn't have to work for a living (I'm autistic) – I'm fairly sure I'd be fine with my pointless existence (although maybe incorrectly).
I'm actually very, very similar to you in that way. In fact, a lot of what you just wrote resonates with me strongly. I am not doing what I ever thought I would be when I was younger. Honestly, I don't fault you for feeling the way you do. It really just depends on what you want your life to be like moving forward from where you are now.
I'll say that for me, I find it much easier to make others happy when I feel good as when I'm depressed. But I tend not to fall too deeply into hedonistic spirals, so that may be a key difference. Also, I originally started taking bupropion for depression, but it's supposed to help with cravings and addictive behavior as well.
> an optimal me probably wouldn't be autistic
Maybe... it can manifest differently in everyone. I can't imagine myself not being autistic. It's a horrible thought to me. However, I would give my foot to be free of ADHD - it feels like such a burden. (I haven't been able to try medication for that yet.)
> For what it's worth I used to abuse alcohol and while I was drunk that's exactly how I remember feeling and why I drank
Totally, and the same with, well, other substances. One, specifically, which induces pure euphoria for a few hours and made me wish I could feel that constantly. However, the big difference is that being in that state is clearly not sustainable. You can't feel on top of the world at all times; it wouldn't make sense, it would be exhausting, and it would be unsafe.
The medication I'm on allows me to feel sad, tired, bored, anxious, scared, irritated, and everything else. It's just that those emotions don't overtake my whole being anymore. They're things I feel in response to events in my life, just like happiness isn't something I feel all the time.
I guess a better way to explain it would be that it's giving all my emotions an even playing field. I can still get really down when shitty things happen - this week has been really rough for me, and I'm not having a lot of fun. But I can still get chores done, enjoy little pleasures here and there, make tiny progress on some hobby projects, and basically avoid the devastation from coloring all of my experiences. I don't feel hopeless even though I've had a big setback.
So, I guess that's off topic. I don't know if I'm trying to convince you to try medication again or not. (Definitely wouldn't recommend doing any experimentation with a psychiatrist's supervision and a lot of honesty with yourself.) In terms of what's "right" or "wrong", it's really about what you want for yourself. Happiness, pleasure, and joy aren't the same things. To me happiness is about equal parts joy and satisfaction. There of days where I have a lot of fun and don't feel "happiness" because maybe it was a little empty. There are plenty of days where I don't have very much fun and I feel happiness because I'm with my loved ones.
Once I finally realized that depression was something happening to me, literally an illness, and that it wasn't an intrinsic part of my personality, I sought medication. That medication had a near-immediate effect of making me feel ok. I wasn't depressed, I was able to just get through a day without thinknig too much about it. But it didn't work perfectly, and I found I could still slip into depression a couple times a year.
More recently I got on a new medication that seems to actually work. It's not giving me a fake happiness and it's not taking away any of my very real concerns about how "good" life is. I am not optimistic about my state, my country, the future of humanity, or very much in general. But I am not depressed. I find it easy to enjoy things that I love in life. I can take real pleasure in disconnecting from work and foraging blackberries in the woods. It is pointless to do so (I have plenty of food), but it doesn't feel pointless. It feels fun and interesting.
To me that's the biggest difference with depression. I can be extremely sad, and I often am. I can even believe that the world would be better off without me (I go back and forth), but I still feel satisfied to be alive. Even on my bad days, I can take small pleasures.
I do think that staying depressed is "wrong" insofar as I would say it is "right" to seek comfort, pleasure, and health. I also think that it's fair to say these signals are moving in the "wrong" direction with respect to the direction that they move in non-depressed people. If the goal is not to be depressed, and something is causing depression, it's a "wrong" action.
But I don't want this to sound like I'm chastising you. I get it. I am still a pretty pessimistic person and everything you're saying is logical. The difference is, I can think about and believe those things without it changing how I feel on a fundamental level. It is extremely hard to see that without getting treatment. And I also understand that it sucks to be told you're "wrong" or there's something "wrong" with you for being depressed, because it's happened to me plenty. So I understand your qualms with the language. Again, though - you don't have to feel bad. You can think the world sucks (my state government wants me and my community eradicated) and still feel good.